Good Sex Always Ends With Simultaneous Orgasms | adult skills

Good Sex Always Ends With Simultaneous Orgasms. The idea that good sex ends with each partner climaxing at exactly the same time is not an invention of R rated movies or women’s magazines. It actually has been around a lot longer than that. Ideal Marriage, an international best-selling marriage manual published in 1932, perpetuated the idea.

The author, gynecologist Theodoor Hendrik Van de Velde, opined: “In normal and perfect coitus, mutual orgasm must be almost simultaneous”. Simultaneous penetrative orgasm would, according to Van de Velde, contribute to the attachment and well-being of the partnership.

Good Sex Always Ends With Simultaneous Orgasms
Good Sex Always Ends With Simultaneous Orgasms

This opinion seems to be born directly from Freudian psychiatry which treats any orgasm except one achieved during intercourse as “immature” and accords simultaneous orgasm during intercourse “a special harmony” (Brody and Weiss, 2012). The problem with this view is that it does not reflect the reality for many women and couples. Many women report having better orgasms from clitoral stimulation than vaginal penetration, and most couples admit that perfectly timed orgasms are rare.

What’s more, striving for simultaneous orgasms during intercourse may put so much pressure on couples that they don’t enjoy the sexual experience and might not be able to orgasm at all. Simultaneous orgasms may be a happy accident — but aiming for them every time (or even sometimes) can undermine sexual pleasure.

Good Sex Always Ends With Simultaneous Orgasms

Why Do We Think Simultaneous Orgasms Are Better?
Clearly, many men and women do believe that coming at the same time is best. For example, one study found that simultaneous orgasm was considered important by 41% of the men and 30% of the women surveyed (Colson et al., 2006, p. 124). The question now is why they believe this. There are several origins for the myth of the superior pleasures of simultaneous orgasm.

Today, we can blame pseudo-science and self-help websites that tell of the sublime nature of perfectly timed mutual orgasms. And, while we’re at it, we should probably throw a little blame at movie and television portrayals of sex in which we commonly see couples falling apart under the sheets satisfied after what we can only imagine is two well-timed orgasms. (Oddly, porn is probably more accurate since it is actually able to show the orgasm and not just the basking afterward.)

However, the truth is that first we have to blame the experts. Researchers and writers like Van de Velde have suggested for a long time that having an orgasm during intercourse at the same time creates greater physiological and emotional satisfaction.

The fact that there were no legitimate studies to back up this assertion didn’t seem to make a difference — experts continued to say that simultaneous orgasms were the goal. In fact, there is a companion myth that emerges from time to time that suggests that mutually timed orgasms are also more likely to result in conception. This rather difficult trick was actually certified in marriage manuals and textbooks of the 1950s. (It is, by the way, totally unfounded.)

And yet simultaneous orgasms still have their expert fans who not only do research and writing on the supremacy of vaginally experienced orgasms but downgrade any other experience. They associate women’s orgasms during intercourse (rather than other kinds of sexual stimulation), with greater relationship satisfaction and even mental and physical health (Brody, 2007; Brody and Costa, 2008; Costa and Brody, 2010; Brody and Weiss, 2010; Brody and Weiss, 2012).

Good Sex Always Ends With Simultaneous Orgasms

Or, to quote one set of authors, “there is support for the concept that vaginal orgasms concurrent with the man’s PVI (penis in vagina, simultaneous orgasm) has benefits even beyond those of vaginal orgasm” (Brody and Weiss, 2012).

But this is the minority opinion and response in the field to this particular research has found the data underlying the conclusions unconvincing and not statistically significant. Critics argue there are no trustworthy baseline data and many confounding variables are not taken into account.

Critics worry that promotion of these findings “may not only be ineffective in increasing satisfaction, but, in fact, may be harmful if it creates idealized expectations and places undue stress (sexual performance anxiety) on individuals and couples. This socially constructed dysfunction/disease could, in turn, decrease satisfaction” (Charland et al., 2012).

Who Comes First
There is really very little research on who comes first and whether couples come together. A study by Darling et al. (1991) is based on observations of various forms of sexual stimulation among heterosexual couples. It found that women preferred it when they had their orgasm first — either through clitoral and vaginal stimulation before intercourse or through a combination of foreplay and intercourse.

These researchers suggest that a woman may have increased frustration if her partner had an orgasm during intercourse and left her to climax on her own. This frustration could intensify for a woman whose partner is more affectionate and more active before he has an orgasm and is tired or in some way less actively engaged with her afterwards.

Good Sex Always Ends With Simultaneous Orgasms

Alternatively, a woman might feel pressure to have an orgasm quickly because her partner had already done so or perhaps because intercourse had not gone on long enough to be sexually and/or emotionally satisfying. Finally, when he comes first, a woman may feel that her partner has been selfish in not waiting for her.

But perhaps much of the reported dissatisfaction some women mention is not so much in the timing of orgasm but in the fact that many women have trouble reaching orgasm, period. When this is true, we believe that having to reach it on cue (whether to be quick after he’s done or to attempt simultaneous climaxes) increases the chances that a woman will find it even more difficult to have a climax.

This may encourage her to give up on a real one and fake it so as not to disappoint her partner’s hopes for mutual bliss. for more on faking orgasms. The “you have to have an orgasm” script of lovemaking seemsto pile on even more pressure if simultaneous orgasm is the goal.

The “Right Way to Have an Orgasm” Pitfall
There are a number of other myths that belong in the same basket as the simultaneous orgasm myth. Mostly, they center on the idea that there is a “right” way to have an orgasm. The modern version of this kind of sexual orthodoxy may have unintentionally begun with Masters and Johnson’s research on sexual functioning which explained the four phases of the human sexual response cycle — excitement, plateau, orgasm, and refractory period (Masters and Johnson, 1966).

Good Sex Always Ends With Simultaneous Orgasms

Once this was enumerated in the literature and bought into by professionals it became a law of sorts. If a client didn’t report a similar cycle to their sex therapist, the client, rather than the cycle, was presumed flawed (Ellison, 1984). Today we know that individuals and couples vary in how they experience the stages of sexual response.

This pitfall is similar to the one women found themselves in when Freud declared vaginal orgasms to be the mature and proper way to climax. When this belief reigned supreme, women who couldn’t climax through vaginal stimulation alone were considered damaged in some way. It took many years until Masters and Johnson showed in their laboratory setting that orgasms, however generated, rely on the same nerve system (though some people do say they experience them differently depending on how they are produced).

The fact is that producing an orgasm during intercourse without direct clitoral stimulation is generally more difficult for most women — and for some women, it is just impossible. In fact, there is quite a bit of research indicating that the inner walls of the vagina are not very sensitive and therefore less likely to provide a quick route to orgasm (Kinsey, 1953; Masters and Johnson, 1966).

The pressure to have simultaneous orgasms may in some way take us back to the days when women were supposed to climax through vaginal penetration alone. After all, it is the vaginal penetration that will likely produce a male orgasm. There are some positions in which a women can have vaginal penetration and direct clitoral stimulation either from her partner’s fingers, her own fingers, or a sex toy. Even so, we believe that attempts at synchronization overemphasize pleasure from vaginal penetration.

Can Women Become Dependent on a Vibrator for Orgasm?
In truth, often one of the easiest ways for women to have an orgasm is to use a vibrator. The intense sensation that these devices can provide to the vulva and clitoris is extremely effective at bringing some women to climax (and some men love them too), but recently we’ve heard fears that vibrators can become addictive and that women who use them may never be able to orgasm in any other way.

Good Sex Always Ends With Simultaneous Orgasms

(Another version of the “right way to have an orgasm” pitfall.) We don’t think you should worry, we’ve never heard of a woman leaving a note for her lover or spouse that said “I’m sorry dear, but I have fallen in love with my vibrator and the two of us are running away to Paris so that we can be continuously united forevermore.”

Interestingly, vibrators were once thought of as a medical, not a sexual, device. In the late 1880s and at the turn of the century, middle and upper middle class ladies who had emotional or physical discomfort were taken to doctors who would lay them on a vibrating plank or apply a vibration machine to their genitals, causing a “quaking” or “hysterical paroxysm” that would allow sexual congestion to disappear and that was, oddly enough (yes, we are being snide here), ultimately very calming and pleasing to the delighted matron.

Around the same time, an electric vibrator machine was patented in America and promoted as a device to cure womb problems that doctors (and patients) believed caused “nervous conditions” and “hysteria” (Maines, 2001). (The literal meaning of hysteria is emotional problems caused by the womb, and it is the origin of the word hysterectomy which is the surgery performed to remove a woman’s uterus.) Using this machine was not thought of as masturbation, but as a “treatment” and, therefore, perfectly fine to do rather regularly in order to calm the nerves. Women did not become addicted to these “treatments” as far as we know, but they did like them quite a bit!

Today, vibrator use as a sexual device not a medical one is known to be quite common. A large study showed that nearly 50% of women of any age had used a vibrator (Northrup et al., 2013). The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior also found use among American women very common with 46.3% of women reporting they had used a vibrator for masturbation, 41% saying they had used a vibrator during a sexual session with a partner, and 37.3% saying they had used a vibrator during intercourse.

Good Sex Always Ends With Simultaneous Orgasms

Far from hurting women, vibrator use seems to be correlated with good sex and a positive attitude about it — users were more likely to have examined their own genitals, and reported higher levels of sexual arousal, desire, lubrication, and orgasm. Very few women reported any physical or emotional discomfort with the devices — 3% of women reported some numbness, 3% reported pain, and 16% said they had some irritation. Almost all of these women, however, said these were temporary problems (Reece et al., 2009).

To be fair, it is true that people can get habituated to vibration. Any behavior that is physically or emotionally rewarding (and in this case, very efficient at producing orgasms) is likely to be repeated and certainly can become a habit. If we frequently have an orgasm in a certain way — no matter what that way may be — we will likely fall back on that pattern more often than not because we know it can be successful.

In truth, we don’t see a problem with that — if it works and everyone feels good, it can be a nice part of masturbation and partnered sex. But if you or your partner worries about one of you becoming too attached to the vibrator try to incorporate many different things into your lovemaking — a vibrator, a finger, a tongue, a penis, or all four — the sensations produced by each of these are different and can be used and combined inventively to make sure not all orgasms are produced the same way.

Good Sex Always Ends With Simultaneous Orgasms
Good Sex Always Ends With Simultaneous Orgasms
Good Sex Always Ends With Simultaneous Orgasms

What’s Important?
What we think is important is evolving a relationship that is sexually satisfying, trusting, and open. We think partners should be sensitive to each other’s sexual needs and evolve a complementary style (or styles) of making love. Ideally, they would explore their sex life together, finding out what they do or don’t like, what new things they’d like to try, what are their go-to ways of having pleasure. And, perhaps, trying out a vibrator (or vibrators) once in a while.

What we don’t see is making anyone behave like a trained seal, having to juggle this or that, or to bend their own sexual response out of shape in order to please some abstract concept of how and when to come. Simultaneous orgasms are certainly a romantic notion but we think they take too much effort (such as having to be controlled when you want to feel absorbed with feeling, not thinking, and being unable to devote a lot of attention to what the other person needs since you are consumed by your own passion at the same time).

Our advice: sex and sexual pleasure are very specific to the individuals involved. Don’t go out of your way to have sex in a way that is based on certain cultural directives — especially one that is mostly mythology.

Thanks for Reading — Good Sex Always Ends With Simultaneous Orgasms

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