Married Sex Is Boring and Boring Sex Is Bad | adult skills

Married Sex Is Boring and Boring Sex Is Bad. Most of the jokes about sex in marriage are kind of lame because they are all the same — without fail they poke fun at how boring marital sex is. It seems that everyone (both the jokes’ writers and the audience who laughs) assumes that after a long passage of time it’s inevitable that marital sex won’t be that hot.

Married Sex Is Boring and Boring Sex Is Bad
Married Sex Is Boring and Boring Sex Is Bad

Wrong. While it is truth it may not be as rough and tumble as the first years of over the top infatuation, the deeper truth is that the majority of married men and women have quite a bit of sex and like their sex lives.

That said, the frequency of sex does diminish as we get older, not necessarily because we are less attracted to our partners but because of the burdens of age, work, mundane relationship issues, and other life challenges (Northrup et al., 2013). And there is a sizeable minority of people who become disinterested in sex within their marriage.

Married Sex Is Boring and Boring Sex Is Bad

Many Married People are Satisfied With Their Sex Lives
A national study of adults found that only 23% of men and women felt their sexual relationship was often or always “routine.” On the flip side, 38% said sex was never or hardly ever routine. The rest seemed to mix routine sex with something a little spicier (Kaiser Family Foundation, 1998). A more recent study (which had a large sample but not one picked randomly) found that the majority of couples thought of their sex lives as satisfying. Interestingly, this was almost uniformly true of couples that described themselves as “extremely happy” (Northup et al., 2013).

Good communication skills seem to be very important for a happy sex life because in order to have a good sex life couples need to, well, talk to each other (Bograd and Spilka 1996; Kaslow and Robinson 1996; Robinson and Blanton, 1993; Mackey et al., 2004). Other research has indicated that sexiness in long-term couples is related to the quality of communication, the importance of sexual relations to the couple, physical affection, and psychological intimacy (Mackey et al., 2004). Sex lives within marriage “ebb and flow” over the course of the relationship. Studies have also found that on days when couples feel positively about each other, lust was also high (Ridley, 2006). Most researchers agree that if good communication exists in the couple, sex will stay interesting, relatively frequent, and fulfilling (Hyde and DeLamater, 2011).

Married Sex Is Boring and Boring Sex Is Bad

What is perhaps most important is that couples know how to ride out the times when sex is a little boring without letting it affect their happiness or their commitment. Happy couples know that sex doesn’t always have to be passionate to be fulfilling and that if they continue to communicate and maintain psychological intimacy, any periods of sexual boredom will eventually be punctuated by more memorable moments of sexual intensity.

But Doesn’t Sex Get Dull In Marriage?
Of course it does — though we would argue that this is not unique to marriage or even long-term relationships. Not every act of sex is going to be earth shattering. Some are going to be great, others okay, and others a little dull. For many people even dull sex is better than the other ways they could be spending their time, like watching mindless television, surfing the internet, or cleaning the house. We wonder if some of the fears and stereotypes about married sex have actually come from experts who want to help couples get over this problem before they even have it. Listen to some expert advice and you’d expect everyone was dreaming up new ways to paint their walls rather than enjoying passionate sex. One self-help book put it this way: [Sex] is the most natural thing in the world, a logical result of romantic love, the physical expression of a more symbolic union. But sex with someone that you love can also be as routine and dull as brushing your teeth. It can be a cause of shame and misery.

Married Sex Is Boring and Boring Sex Is Bad

Wow, that makes it sound like sex in marriage is not only a downer, but almost tragic. Another expert says: It’s a lot easier to introduce sexual novelty and undisclosed aspects of eroticism in one-night stands or an affair than in your marriage. It’s a greater challenge to your sense of self when you’re with a spouse. That’s why sexual boredom (and affairs) are so prevalent. We demand stability in marriage — and when we get it, we complain that things are always the same. The resulting boredom contributes to low desire.

But just because stability and eroticism may conflict, that doesn’t mean committed couples aren’t having fun in bed. Maybe they are not having as much fun as they did in a tumultuous and ultimately doomed taboo relationship — but most people would not sign up for that relationship again, and they would overwhelmingly sign up for being married to the same person they married years and years ago (Northrup et al., 2013).

Some therapists worry that this whole subject has been overtherapized. They posit that fears of inadequacy in marital sex lives will actually cause anxiety and dissatisfaction, and lead to the inadequacy that was feared in the first place. After all, everything is relative and what we compare ourselves to makes a difference. It is possible that as a society intent on talking about how married sex is boring and boring sex is bad, we have upped the ante so much that expectations for sexual frequency and passion have become unrealistic and what is now perceived of as sexual boredom would not have been considered an issue in the past (Tunariu, 2004).

Married Sex Is Boring and Boring Sex Is Bad

But Men Really Do Get Bored, Right?
There is a good deal of research that indicates that men have a higher need for variety and novelty than women do, not just when it comes to sex but in all aspects of their lives (Vodanovich and Kass, 1990; Sundberg et al., 1991; Watt and Blanchard, 1994; Watt and Ewing, 1996). Researchers found that men scored higher than women on a Boredom Proneness Scale which assessed an individual’s need for challenge, excitement, and variety (Watt and Ewing, 1996; Watt and Vodanovich, 1999). Boredom with sex with the same partner has also been found to affect men more than women (Symons, 1992).

It is often referred to by psychologists as the “Coolidge Effect.” This may be apocryphal, but President Coolidge is said to have responded to his wife’s praise for the ardent nature of a rooster they saw by saying the rooster must be so randy because he had so many hens from which to choose. In more professional language the Coolidge Effect is used to describe how a sexually bored male could be revitalized with the addition of a new female to sexual life (see Dewsbury, 1981 for a review). Socio-biologists think this preference for variety is part of a larger male reproductive strategy to impregnate as many women (or hens, or bears, or horses) as possible. The famous evolutionary biologist Edmund Wilson (1988) believed that men would inevitably have a “satiation effect” (lower sexual interest) if restricted to monogamy.

Married Sex Is Boring and Boring Sex Is Bad
Married Sex Is Boring and Boring Sex Is Bad
Married Sex Is Boring and Boring Sex Is Bad

Other researchers have been less sure about the impact of sexually exclusive
relationships, but many agree that a variety of sex partners is more desired by men than women (Apt and Hurlbert, 1992; Greer and Buss, 1994; Laumann et al., 1994). Furthermore, some researchers have found that men value physical attractiveness more than women do when selecting a lifetime partner (Frazier and Esterly, 1990), are more likely to engage in extramarital sexual behavior (Hurlbert, 1992), and are more likely to justify sexual desire on the basis of its pleasure potential than as an outcome of emotional attachment (Hill and Preston, 1996).

There is an ongoing debate about the origin of these tendencies. Many of the authors who note these differences also note the cultural conditions that helped create them (Regan and Berscheid, 1999). However, others are more apt to agree with Wilson that the desires are innate. Popular discourse at this point seems to support a biological explanation more than a cultural one — even though changing cultural practices (such as growing acceptance of women who “hook up” with men) would belie the idea that these differences are necessarily biologically driven.

So, Can the Sexual Sparks Still Fly?
Research indicates that sexual passion feeds on novelty, mystery, and uncertainty — including physical and psychological distance, and even danger and conflict (Person, 1999). Familiarity does modify sexual passion but we have to remember that passion is not the same as sexual satisfaction (Schwartz, 1994; Plaud et al., 1997; O’Hanlon, 1981; Perkins and Hill, 1985; Dyer-Smith and Wesson, 1997).

Married Sex Is Boring and Boring Sex Is Bad

Part of the problem may be that the most common way in which researchers ask about sexual vibrancy in long-term couples is to measure frequency of sex. But quantity is not the same as quality. It is certainly easier to find out about how many times a couple had sex than how each of those sex acts felt to each of the members of the couple, but we think this information is equally as important, if not more so.

Another measurement problem is that both members of a couple may not necessarily feel the same way about their sex life. More often than not, couples have different sexual appetites and have different satiation points (Clement, 2002). This complicates the work of gauging what kind of sparks, or fulfillment, a given relationship might have. Therapists often work to help a couple find a common “sexual denominator” so that they can create a pace and intensity that recognizes the couple’s differences (Clement, 2002).

However, Clement, a well-respected sex therapist in Germany, feels that compromising desires often produces a much more boring sex life for a couple. He thinks that finding a pattern in which each person can exercise their erotic potential in their own way will keep the relationship sexy (Clement, 2002).

We think the trickier question is what couples do to experience their sex life as worthwhile, once they realize that some of the time there will be sex that is more bread and butter than chocolate decadence (Tunariu, 2004). Couples who understand this and are able to remain emotionally close even when sex is boring are in the best position to have an overall satisfying sex life.

grow your adult skills, ideas, knowledge and information for better sex life. Plz follow me…..

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store