No Partner of Mine Has Ever Faked an Orgasm | adult skills

No Partner of Mine Has Ever Faked an Orgasm. The scene is unforgettable. When Harry Met Sally is a movie about a long-time friendship that over time turns into a love affair. (It’s from 1988 but trust us, find it on Netflix or something, it’s still good.) The two debate whether a friendship between a man and a woman can just be a friendship or whether some sexual attraction is involved.

No Partner of Mine Has Ever Faked an Orgasm
No Partner of Mine Has Ever Faked an Orgasm

However, the good buddies dont acknowledge any attraction between them, and, as friends, hear about each other’s unsuccessful romantic relationships. Indeed, the most memorable scene in the movie is one in a restaurant during which they are debating whether or not a man can tell when a woman fakes an orgasm. Harry says he knows that the women he’s been with have never faked an orgasm. Sally is skeptical:

Sally:
Why? Most women at one time or another have faked it.
Harry:
Well they haven’t faked it with me.
Sally:
How do you know?
Harry:
Because I know.
Sally:
Oh, right, that’s right, I forgot, you’re a man.
Harry:
What is that supposed to mean?
Sally:
Nothing. It’s just that all men are sure it never happened to them and that
most women at one time or another have done it so you do the math.
Harry:
You don’t think that I could tell the difference?
Sally:
No.
Harry:
Get outta here.

No Partner of Mine Has Ever Faked an Orgasm

Moments later, Sally launches into a full-scale set of moans, groans, facial expressions, and increasingly loud screams of ecstasy complete with the peak moment and the quiet, satisfied smile that comes afterwards. The extremely well-faked orgasm shocks and amuses all the other people in the dining room.

The scene ends when a waiter approaches an older woman at a table next to them and she says: “I’ll have what she’s having.” Do many people fake orgasms? Sure they do. In a study at the University of Kansas, for example, 67% of the women and 28% of the men reported having faked orgasm. Most said they faked it during penile–vaginal intercourse, but some pretended during oral sex, manual stimulation, or phone sex (Muehlenhard and Shippee, 2010).

An older study of 161 young adult women showed that over half of them said they had ever faked an orgasm. Analysis found that those women who had faked it were older, thought they were more attractive, had intercourse at a younger age, had more lifetime partners (including oral sex partners), and scored higher on measures of sexual self-esteem (Wiederman, 1997).

It’s not that hard to fake an orgasm, especially if you’ve had real ones. You know how to make them look, sound, and possibly even feel authentic. The question for us is why would anyone want to fake an orgasm? And, much more secondarily, what are the signs of a real orgasm — could you tell if your partner was pretending?

Why Fake One?
Most women and men who fake orgasm want to please their partner, and they know their partner really wants to see them over the moon with pleasure. A woman may have a hard time having an orgasm, and it may get even harder if she thinks her partner will keep trying until she climaxes. She may know, for whatever reason, that it’s not going to happen right now, and so — in order to get the whole thing over with (with her lover’s feelings intact) — she gives a dramatic rendition of climaxing. Less research has been done on men faking orgasms but they might fake it for the same reason — to end sex without anyone feeling like a bad lover.

No Partner of Mine Has Ever Faked an Orgasm

A 2014 study of 481 heterosexual female college students found four common reasons that women faked orgasms. The authors named the first “altruistic deceit” which they defined as faking orgasm out of concern for a partner’s feelings. The second reason they found was “fear and insecurity” by which they meant women faking orgasm to avoid negative emotions associated with the sexual experience.

Women also faked orgasm in an effort to achieve their own “elevated arousal.” A little fake it until you make it — if you sound more turned on than you are maybe you will become that turned on for real. And, finally there was “sexual adjournment” which, as we said earlier, was simply faking an orgasm to end sex (Cooper et al., 2014).

Another study hypothesized that women faked orgasm as a way to keep their boyfriends. Researchers surveyed 453 heterosexual women under 50 who had been in a relationship for at least 6 months. They found that those women who were more concerned that their partners might cheat on them were more likely to fake an orgasm. They also found that women who said they had faked orgasm were more likely to engage in other “mate retention” behaviors such as flirting with someone else in front of their partner or yelling at someone they perceived as flirting with their partner.

Analysis suggested, however, that this correlation between faked orgasm and mate retention behaviors was diminished if they controlled for fear of infidelity. The authors believe that for women who fear that their partner might cheat, faking orgasm is part of a larger strategy to keep him around (Kaighobadi et al., 2012). Other studies have also found that keeping a partner interested and preventing him from straying was a common reason for faking orgasm (Muehlenhard and Shippee, 2010).

No Partner of Mine Has Ever Faked an Orgasm

Can You Tell?
Was Harry right, could he really tell that none of the women he had been with had ever faked an orgasm? Probably not. A good Oscar-worthy series of moans may fake some people, though others understand that orgasm isn’t just about the noises. As excitement increases, not just breathing but heart rates increase dramatically, and near orgasm, a rash-like flush often appears across the person’s body. When a woman has an orgasm, there is likely to be a sequence of involuntary uterine contractions and spasms, and the anal sphincter tightens.

The uterus may have a strong afterwave of contraction for 10–20 seconds (Levin and Wagner, 1985). The vagina will also have engorged with blood and the tightening of the pelvic floor muscles and bulbospongiosus muscle will make the vagina feel tighter at the front and paradoxically looser at the back. The clitoris flattens near orgasm and turns a slightly different color (although that would be hard to see unless a lover is giving oral sex).

Yet many of these things are likely felt by a partner, especially if he or she has a penis or finger inside the partner’s vagina at the time of orgasm. The overall body changes are quite dramatic; it is not just a mounting volume of noises and hair tossing and writhing that marks an orgasm for a woman. Still, with some good moans and maybe a voluntary Keegle or two (an exercise that tightens the vagina muscles), many partners will likely be fooled.

Likewise, it is not just more noise, more thrusting, and ejaculation that marks an orgasm for a man. There is a systemic change in just about every part of the body. A man can also fake it — although it is harder since a woman might expect to feel some spasms and be wet with fluid. Still, if he’s using a condom, she might not notice that he did not ejaculate and/or have an orgasm.

No Partner of Mine Has Ever Faked an Orgasm
No Partner of Mine Has Ever Faked an Orgasm
No Partner of Mine Has Ever Faked an Orgasm

But Why Not Have A Real One Instead?
Let’s face it. Difficulty having an orgasm is more common than the sex scenes we see on television and in the movies would have us believe. Most women, not just some women, are not orgasmic all the time. In a large random sample study, 71% of women and 25% of men said they did not always have an orgasm when they had sex with their partner (Laumann et al., 1994).

In all fairness, sometimes fears of upsetting a partner with the fact that orgasms aren’t happening can be justified. Some men or women will feel inadequate if their partner doesn’t come. They may even act defensively by blaming their partner’s inhibitions or background. Or they may become less attached to the relationship.

No Partner of Mine Has Ever Faked an Orgasm

The fear or intuition that a partner might react this way is certainly encouragement to fake it, but for people who are having consistent trouble achieving orgasm this is a short run answer to a long-term problem. Faking it actually makes it less likely that real orgasms will happen in the future, since no technique or revisions of lovemaking style or relationship context will have changed. Pretending might now become a way of life — and big secrets build up, sometimes over many years.

If either partner is never or rarely reaching orgasm, more communication (not less) is needed. Partners should talk about techniques that are or aren’t working (maybe someone is rubbing or thrusting too hard), they should experiment with penetration angles to see if certain ones are more pleasurable than others. Likewise, if relationship issues are impeding orgasm, those relationship issues need to be dealt with in order to create the right emotional climate for a climax. Communication is the bedrock of sexual pleasure — the belief that talking is embarrassing or that honesty is risky means the relationship is not on stable footing.

If the relationship is unable to take the weight of some honest discussion about how things are going or what feels good, what chance do the two people have of becoming more intimate — and therefore more effective at pleasing one another? Talking about sex can be more intimate than doing it, but it may also be more important.

Faking orgasm may be a card to play under some circumstances, but if it is played often, it changes the game from one of intimacy and openness to performance and dishonesty. That is a big change. So while there might be people who are so good at faking that you’d never know, what you want to work on is having a relationship that is so honest and open that it includes being honest and open about what is, and what is not, happening between the sheets.

Thanks for Reading — No Partner of Mine Has Ever Faked an Orgasm

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